Due to advancements in CGI technology, Hollywood has little use for them anymore. And Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus has gotten all politically correct—so say sayonara to the midget clowns of yesteryear dog-piling into a VW. (Freakshow enthusiast P.T. Barnum is spinning in his grave.)

But are these puny players really actors? Difficult to say. Look at that deaf actress Marlee Matlin, for example. Sure, she won an Oscar, but what was she playing? A deaf chick! Let’s see ol’ Marblemouth Matlin play a chick who can actually hear something…Now that's acting! Anyway, here’s our short list (get it?) of memorable midgets and dynamic dwarves who are near and dear to our hearts…kind of.

WARWICK DAVIS

Height: Three feet six inches

The Scoop: This guy is smaller than the list of successful sitcoms featuring post-Seinfeld cast members. Caught the eye of George Lucas and became the Ewok, the character that single-handedly ruined the Star Wars franchise. Since then, this pocket-sized performer has sold his handicapable talents to any casting agent with a buck. Check out his scene-stealing performances in Leprechaun 1-4, and for all of you gang-banging hip-hoppers out there, the recent Leprechaun in the Hood.

Fun fact: The Ewok action figure is actually taller than Warwick!

BILLY BARTY

Height: Three feet eight inches

The Scoop: Perhaps the most famous and scariest midget of all time (narrowly edging out the guy who plays R2-D2). Most famous for his role in Sigmund and the Sea Monsters, “Bantam Billy” enjoyed a hugely humiliating career that lasted over five decades. Like many actors, Billy got his start in short films. You’ll thrill to his petite performances in “H.R. Pufnstuf,” “The Bugaloos,” “Dr. Shrinker,” Won Ton Ton – The Dog Who Saved Hollywood, and the never-to-be-forgotten Jungle Jim on Pygmy Island.

Fun fact: Died in 2000 (of embarrassment). Witchipoo read his eulogy.

JOE C.

Height: Three feet nine inches

The Scoop: Kid Rock’s foul-mouthed sidekick boasted he was “three feet tall with a ten foot dick.” Actually, sources say his dick was only 8 foot 7, but autopsy results weren’t available at press time. Squared off against Gary Coleman in Kid Rock’s Cowboy video and, on an episode of “WWE Raw,” was stuffed into a garbage can head first by a bad-guy wrestler and rolled down a ramp, his little feet sticking out the open end, rolling round and round. Sadly, Joe died before he could get his heat back on the next Pay-Per-View.

Fun fact: Recorded his own version of “Kyle’s Mom is a Big Fat Bitch” for the South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut soundtrack.

EMMANUEL LEWIS

Height: Three feet four inches

The Scoop: Best known as TV’s Webster, this unfortunate urchin often accompanied Michael Jackson to high profile events like the Oscars, where he’d sit on the King of Pop’s lap like a ventriloquist dummy. Do the math. Also bears the unfortunate distinction of being considered by most as a “poor man’s Gary Coleman.” Recently lost a high-profile lawsuit when the presiding judge informed him “you’re too small to have any rights.”

Fun fact: Has a brother who stands six-foot-one…Burn!

VERNE TROYER

Height: Two feet eight inches

The Scoop: Will always be remembered as the naked, drunken midget who pissed all over the floor in VH-1’s reality hit, “The Surreal Life”Oh yeah, and as Mini-Me in the Austin Powers franchise. Actually managed to marry a hot chick, and a yoga instructor at that! Just goes to show that while guys might screw anything, women will screw anything, too…as long as it has money!

Fun fact: Verne’s résumé proclaims him to be an “actor/stuntman.” We’d love to see him fall down a flight of stairs while on fire, wouldn’t you?

The LOLLIPOP GUILD

Height: Various

The Scoop: This terrifying trio from the Wizard of Oz greeted Dorothy upon her arrival to Munchkinland with a freaky, high-pitched song which resonates across generations of people who fear things that are different. They appear some time after the scary tornado scene but significantly before the equally scary flying monkeys. Try a Google search and you’ll find 52,000 hits for “Lollipop Guild.” How is this even remotely possible?

Fun Fact: According to some not-so-tall tales, while making the film, a female munchkin propositioned a stagehand, a male munchkin bit a cop on the leg, and another one fell into a toilet and had to be rescued.

MINI WRESTLERS

Height: Various

The Scoop: Sure you’ve heard of Hulk Hogan and The Rock. But do you know Mini Pierroth? Little Beaver? How about Lord Littlebrook, Fuzzy Cupid or the Irish Leprechaun? These pint-sized grapplers take all the lumps and bumps that their full-sized counterparts suffer: Chair shots, body slams, and pokes to the eye, but it somehow just seems to hurt less because they’re small.

Fun Fact: There are actually female midget wrestlers, too!

BRIDGET the MIDGET

Height: 3 feet 10 inches

The Scoop: The world’s first midget porn star! This tiny tart was discovered at a Goth nightclub by a woman casting for an adult movie who was tying her shoe at the time. Famous for her red hot scenes in such stroke-flicks as Cap’n Mongo’s Porno Playhouse, New Wave Hookers 6, and Hot Bods and Tail Pip 7. Surprisingly, doesn’t usually make it with other midgets onscreen, preferring full-size partners. Has more tattoos than The Undertaker and usually sports purple, pink, or green hair…on her head. Must be angry, and who the hell can blame her? Her name even rhymes with “midget!”

Fun Fact: Bridget has more aliases than most full-sized people, including Bridgette, Bridget, Bridget The Midget, and Bridget the Midget!

LESTER & JUDY-LYNN DEL REY

Height: He was taller

The Scoop: Giants in the publishing world, this dwarf couple revitalized Random House’s once-prominent science fiction line and fantasy line. With their success, they were given their own imprint in 1977 called Del Rey Books, which published stories about, you guessed it—elves, dwarfs, hobbits, and fairies!

Fun Fact: Judy-Lynn was Lester’s third wife! So half-pints fret not—there are more kinky females into mikrainophilia (midget love) than guys who want to play pinwheel with Bridget.

TONY COX

Height: Three feet six inches

The Scoop: We just included him because he’s a black midget…and a helluva lot scarier looking than Emmanuelle Lewis!

Fun Fact: He’s a black midget!

HONORABLE MENTIONS

TOM THUMB:

British folk-hero who was “One thumb tall.”

Was wearing something like a Robin Hood outfit in every picture we found. Is this guy a homo, or what?

The ATOM:

Much like his counterpart at Marvel Comics (Ant Man), the Atom can not only shrink to miniscule proportions, but he also has the strength of one normal man! 

HANK THE ANGRY, DRUNKEN DWARF

Before Hank came on the scene (thanks to the Howard Stern Show), we didn’t even know dwarfs could drink! Got into more fights than Jake La Motta, usually with other wee folk.

We were saddened by his recent passing, mostly because he made us feel better about our own binge drinking.

SID & MARTY KROFT

Although not midgets themselves, these Hollywood producers of such Saturday morning epics as H. R. Pufnstuf hired more dwarves than the Keebler Cookie factory. Actually opened an indoor amusement park called The World of Sid & Marty Kroft in the 1980s, but it burned to the ground shortly after it started losing money. Ahem.



“It should be OBVIOUS, shouldn’t it? I mean, they’re f**king SCARY!”

– BOB H,
Famous Comic Book Editor


“They velly hard to see becaws they rittle.”

-CHIN WON BALLS,
Influential Chinese Chef


“Hey man, I didn’t do nuffin’! Dat wallet was just layin’ dere!

– TYRONE JEFFERSON III,
Harlem Black Guy


“The only midget I ever met worked in the corner deli. I didn’t mind him staring at my tits, but he always short changed me.”

– CINDY LUHOO
Secretary/Men’s “Entertainer”


“Don’t be stupid. There are no midgets in the Bible. Therefore, much like dinosaurs and iPods, midgets do not exist!

–LARRY H.,
Religious nut



Danny
Danny the Dwarf appears courtesy of shortdwarf.com