If you have any kind words about this site, our fine publication, or any general niceties at all, please keep them to yourself. But if there’s something about us that you really can’t stomach, we wanna hear from you! And it doesn’t have to be just about us. We’ll listen to any intriguing idiosyncrasy that annoys you.

Here’s a case in point:

Dear Moist,

I saw two handicaps in wheelchairs the other day, a guy and a girl. They were really messed up, with baby arms and spindly legs and stuff. Thing was, they were totally making out! They were all over each other, at least as much as they could be without falling out of their respective wheelchairs. It was like Spring Break or something! It really freaked me out, but I can't put my finger on exactly why.  Please help!

Mark B.
Teaneck, NJ

It helps to remember that sex is something that everyone can enjoy. After all, how else do you think we got the expression "the birds and the bees" anyway? Did you really think that handicapped people don't have sex? Where do you think handicapped babies come from?


Dear Editor,

I’m sure you will never print this letter, nor do I care. As a devout Christian, I have seen and heard some offensive things in my life. But nothing could have prepared me for your magazine, which was sent to me by someone I thought was a friend. It’s an absolute train wreck in every way. It is quite possibly the strongest argument I have ever seen for repealing the First Amendment. It is offensive to every God-fearing man, woman, and child on the planet—especially the Amish (who, despite their pastoral ways, will suffer the same damnation as you for their misinterpretation of the Sacred Book).

What were you thinking? Was your solitary goal to offend as many people as possible? How can you not be ashamed of yourselves? To depict our Lord and Savior, who sacrificed his life for our sins, as a reckless child performing meaningless acts of magic? How could anyone have thought this was appropriate?

J.W. Huggins
Nashville, TN

Our solitary goal was indeed to offend as many people as possible—and to get that damned First Amendment repealed!


Dear Hate Mail:

At last, we’ve finally reached the very bottom of the barrel: Moist. If offending people and having no discernible talent were all it took to be successful, Bill O’Reilly would have his own talk show, Melissa Etheridge would have a successful singing career, and Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie would be famous.

“Amish Terrorists” seemed to only have one purpose, and that was certainly not to entertain. Instead, I was “treated” to an endless series of poop photos. Oh, look! Poop on a pitchfork! Oh, look! The man in the bad Amish make-up is pretending to eat the poop. Immature, virulent trash.

“True Toilet Tales” did nothing to improve my opinion. If I had wished to read about impacted bowels and distended rectums, I would visit the Mutter Museum. Haven't heard of it? Look it up on the Internet—that is, if you can keep from being continually distracted by porno Web sites as described in your “Slam the Ham Using Spam” feature. You've got male, indeed! This feature was so distasteful and set such a pall over the rest of the magazine I half-expected to see an excerpt from that horrible book, Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Television. “Fatal Fashionistas” was also pure dreck. To mock the untimely skiing deaths of such great Americans as Sonny Bono and that Kennedy guy (I forget which one) shows how truly base and utterly devoid of talent your editorial staff actually is.

My point is this . . . just being offensive isn’t enough!

Harold Gruenwald
Hollywood, CA

Obviously.

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